Tips from a Resume Reader, 2

Editor's note: I'm not going to bother to read my last post on this, so, any repitition should be interpreted as emphasis. Take note.

1. Photos. Ahh, photos. Seems a good way to attach a face to a name, to humanize a resume, to make sure you get remembered, and in this digital age, it's just so easy. And it's just. so. wrong. Take, for two examples, the fellas I saw today. The first just looks sooo dweeby. I haven't been able to scroll past the photo to read the resume yet, and I'm going to be totally distracted when I call him. All I can think is, 'who does he remind me of?'

The second guy, well, I know who he reminds me of. And, he was right, in that we can't forget him. He looks like Mr. Belvedere (remember him, kiddies?). Or, the dad from Family Guy, if you squint. Now, how are we supposed to talk business, with this in our head??

2. Mr. Belvedere's second sin was his over-detailed 'Personal History'. T.M.I., sir, T.M.I.

3. There is a certain amount of optimism required when doing an online application. You have to have faith that someone out there cares. That they will read your message, read your resume and take a second to phone or email you. Always remember: there are MILLIONS of people with resumes online. Honestly. Try to stand out, in a positive way.

a. *Do Not* start your cover letter with: "although I do not have skills A, B, or D, I'm really swell with skill C and understand why the other 3 are important and necessary." Um, right. We'll be calling any day now.

b. Sometimes the following will work out in your best interest. Other times, it just gets emailed around the office for a hearty afternoon giggle. Enjoy.

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Monster resume #xxxxxx

Engineer ISO meaningful employment relationship

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Name: X. Xxxx

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RESUME

Resume Headline: Engineer ISO meaningful employment relationship

Me: A sexy beast, 28, 6', 185lb; tan, muscular

You: An attractive manager/HR/executive-looking gal on the 4/5/6 train, 5 PM Friday

You checked me out as I boarded, and stared at my ass from Grand Central to 14th street/Union Square. You kept looking at my face and hands as I stood nervously, seeking your approval. Would you contact me? Can we meet up?

I think I've emailed you; at least the chances are good. I've sent my resume to most every valid email address in the tri-state area. I'm ready for work, I do IT. I can network most anything. I can be a fine Exchange and Active Directory engineer. I can reboot NT 4 boxes, though I would rather work with Exchange 2003 or Linux. But hell, who says my needs are important? I want to serve yours.

Rendezvous with me for a casual interview. I can fulfill all your fantasies. I'll whisper in your ear sweet promises: "you can work wirelessly in Central Park with no e-mail limits. I will make it happen; I will make it work. I'll show you how."

I'll load up your computer with software I picked up from my last employer. Heck, I won't even roll my eyes when you open macroviruses in Outlook. I'll just be glad to keep busy serving your needs. I need you, really I do. I miss being in a relationship. Being needed. Being courted by employees in search of backup retrievals, regardless of the reason. Being honored and lauded after solving the simplest of problems for end users. Yes, I can get back your bookmarks. I can fix your servers, make your laptop logon faster. Yes, I can go into your DataCenter set up RPC over HTTPS to your home so you can check Outlook email over your DSL connection.

I will shake your toner cartridges with passion; I will make the network go faster with ISA server, and get rid of pop-ups. I will crawl under your desk and gently straighten your cables, all if you let me. Choose me from the thousands of resumes that fall off your desk. I am special. I am proficient. Did I mention I am a sexy beast who will excite you every time you call me over for assistance with your palm pilot.

We will be happy and secure in our relationship. We will be safe from viruses because I always use McAffee protection; Our stability will never be threatened because of my nimble skills in NetIQ Network Management; And can keep everything private by using ISS intrusion detection (IDS), IPSEC, and S/MIME.

But you have to take the first step. I can only help you if I have a place in your company. I long for it; I yearn to be needed by you and to fulfill your demands. Hire me, promote me, send me emails asking for help and I will solve your problems.

But first you must read my resume and be impressed. Please, take the leap, reach out and grasp those sheets of earnest sincerity, the outpouring of my strengths, optimized for OCR scanning. Let me show you the breadth of my experience; meet with me and ask me about my weaknesses and all those other hard interview questions that no one has asked me for so long.

I've spent more time surfing internet porn today than I've interviewed in the last year. Take my hand and help me through it. You can stare at my ass the whole time. I won't complain. I won't even file a grievance. Not for the first six months. You can even walk up to my desk and touch my hand as you ask for help with your PowerPoint slides. Massage my neck as I install service packs on your laptop.

I can do anything. I'll set up a wireless network for you. I will fix your Active Directory, Windows 2003, or migrate to Exchange 2003 if you want me to. I'll hook up e-mail to your cell phone for telecommuters. I am a genius. I am pretty attractive. And I have nice abs.

Take a chance on me. You won't be sorry.

EXPERIENCE:

Date - - Company - - Location (removed)

Industry: IT- Software Systems & Design

Senior Windows 2003 and Exchange 2003 Consultant

Traveled around NYC and encouraged people to use Windows 2003 and Exchange 2003 instead of Linux. Fixed technical problems, major and minor stuff just so that they won't go to our competitor. Did lots of Engineering work too. If you read my resume this far, thanks! 99.359% of everything here is accurate and true, and yes I am looking for something new. Intrigued? Curious? Send me an e-mail!

Date - - Company - - Location (removed)

Industry: Banking/Finance

Technical Analyst

Performed portfolio management for all IT projects

LANGUAGES:

Language Proficiency Level

American Sign Language Basic - Familiar

English Fluent - Full Knowledge {Editor here - I *luv* when people say they are fluent in english and are obviously American. Fluent in english?? God, I'd hope you are!}

Hindi Basic - Familiar

Spanish Basic - Familiar